This Innocence Is Brilliant...

Innocence
Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliance, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now

And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry

This innocence is brilliance, it makes you want to cry
This innocence is brilliance, please don't go away
'Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

This innocence is brilliance, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

I love that song... I bought the deluxe Avril Lavigne "The Best Damn Thing" CD/DVD from Amazon.ca :P ... and received it yesterday. It's good... different sound... i like her second album more actually... but it's still good. I'm an Avril fan ^_^.

Anyway, I got my results today... I mean i got ALL of them today... I did better than I thought I would. My GPA went up by 0.02 LOL....


Here's what I did the last few days in a nutshell...

Thursday
I went to send Silke off.. she left for home in Ontario. Did her makeup and took some funny pictures. Oh and got into this weird taxi problem... So, Silke called a cab before we went downstairs.... and when we got to the designated location we saw a cab leave.. so we thought.. "oh.. the cab left.. let's call another one" ... So, I did. And then you know what happened? TWO cabs arrived at the same time... OMFG... one under my name and one under Silke's name... we tried to explain the situation to them but neither one got it. Holy shit.... but in the end, Silke took the cab that was called under her name... and I ran away from the other cab driver.. LOL...


Face:
MAD minerals liquid foundation
Pureluxe april's mix
Jane blushing orchid shimmer
Jane roses

Eyes:
Wet 'n wild mega eyes creme shadow
MAC sunseed
MAC crystal avalanche
MAC electric eel
MAC cappucino
MAC carbon
Revlon colorstay eyeliner
Revlon colorstay liquid liner
Shiseido mascara base
Cover girl lash exact
Lancome l'extreme

Lips:
Lancome juicytubes - daiquiry









Sunday
Went to Kristin's place with Smokey... Smokey was soooo intimidated by Max and Remy... it was so funny. Two gigantic dogs trying to play with little frightened Smokey.

Monday
Did the makeup for Julie for the Royal St George Society Annual Dinner where she and Alex performed some songs.







Tuesday
Went shopping with Samantha!! Was a great day... we talked and shopped... how much better can it get? I only wished the day was longer.


At the Dragon King Buffet


In front of Wal-mart Bayers Lake waiting for the 52 bus


At Mumford terminal waiting for the 1 bus.

If you want to see more pictures, get facebook ^_^

Some Backstage Videos Captured By Samantha ^_^

Contented, Satisfied .... Finally

On Thursday, Silke and I hung out at my place playing with makeup and then later that night, we went over to Gatsby's for some drinks and to talk. I really like Gatsby's ... it's nice and quiet enough to have a good conversation while having some drinks. Something like Locas but I don't really like Locas that much... it just isn't my scene... I don't know... something about it just makes me wanna leave.

So anyway, it was really fun just hanging out and chatting. Who says you can't have a party with just two people? :P I'm going to miss Silke... she's leaving Halifax today... will be going to her place at about 2pm today. We took a bunch of pictures... but I only edited a few.... will wait for her to edit the rest.














For Silke's makeup, I used:
Face:
MAD minerals liquid foundation
Pureluxe april's mix
Jane blushing orchid shimmer
Jane roses

Eyes:
Wet 'n wild mega eyes creme shadow
MAC sunseed
MAC crystal avalanche
MAC darkspot
Revlon colorstay eyeliner
Revlon colorstay liquid liner
Shiseido mascara base
Cover girl lash exact
Lancome l'extreme

Lips:
Lancome juicytubes - daiquiry


Face:
MAD minerals liquid foundation
Pureluxe april's mix
Jane blushing orchid shimmer
Jane roses

Eyes:
Wet 'n wild mega eyes creme shadow
MAC sunseed
MAC crystal avalanche
MAC pink freeze
TMM killer
TMM fuzzy navel
MAC chrome yellow
MAC bitter
MAC swimming
MAC electric eel
MAC aquadisiac
MAC freshwater
NYX purple
Revlon colorstay eyeliner
Revlon colorstay liquid liner
Shiseido mascara base
Cover girl lash exact
Lancome l'extreme

Lips:
Lancome juicytubes - daiquiry

Also, I found out that he DID, at that point in time, mean what he said and what he did. That's good enough for me... I can finally just let go of that weight I've been carrying around, just wondering... and worrying. At least I know I'm not crazy and I wasn't just the fool. I'd like to hang on to the good memories and I will always be fond of him... that would never change... he'll definately always have a little place in my heart. He'll always be my great bearded ninja aka teddy bear aka Mr. Cuddles. I certainly am happy that we are friends ^_^ and also glad that it's all resolved.

After The Dust Has Settled...

I met him today... I was really glad he agreed to meet me. It was a little awkward though I have to say. I mean it's not easy to just talk about stuff like these. I'd like to think it went pretty well although I still don't understand why I couldn't just say everything I wanted to. I might e-mail him later about it but I don't know if I should.

So anyway, I told him that while I do like him, I wouldn't do anything more. I liked having fun with him as friends... I liked hugging him. I told him that I'd like to do what we've always done without him having to worry about anything more (not as tactfully as that but I'm glad he understood and corrected the sentence for me :P what? I was nervous... I couldn't think!). And he said that he's known for awhile and he did try to distance himself from me a little... phew... I'm glad that I know for sure that I wasn't just paranoid. He said he was sorry if he hurt my feeling doing that. I did wish that he could have talked to me first though instead of doing that. It could've saved me a lot of worrying. What I was shocked about was that he said "random people not from the play" mentioned to him that I liked him. And these came from the most random people too. I just can't wrap my head around what I heard. I don't remember ever doing much in front of these people... so... hmmm... yea... that was a little unsettling.

Apparently he does not remember what he said or did at the cast and crew party... I guess he was drunk. However, I know enough to say that while alcohol takes away judgement, it doesn't put ideas in your head. It just makes you braver to say things that you wouldn't when you are sober. You may flirt around more and that probably doesn't mean anything... but what you say could mean something, couldn't it? I'm not trying to justify my feelings or anything... more like I'd just like to get some indication that at least he did mean what he said at that point in time and I'm not just the fool. I'm not looking for a relationship with him either... I just want to know that it meant as much to him as it did me. I loved what he said... made me feel special..... but that's in past tense... I don't think it is that great anymore... unless I know it meant something.

I was pretty pleased that I got this off my chest... but the more I thought about it, some things just don't add up right. Now maybe this could be me being paranoid. I am starting to doubt myself a lot. I'm so afraid to listen to myself anymore. Am I thinking too much? I really don't think I am. I'm not stupid and I'm pretty sure my reasoning is still pretty sharp. I'm not making up the details... it happened... and I didn't get my answers as to why? Although I have to admit, any more confusion and I'll really lose everything that I am sure of.

I'm not very good with uncertainty... it makes me confused, worried, upset and generally paranoid. I like things to be stable... drinking is fun ... a little buzz is fun but I know when to stop... I don't think I'd like to know what I'll do if I'm totally drunk. I mean, I was pretty much sober at the beginning of this and still got myself tangled in this mess.... go Rayleen! *rolls eyes* Also another thing I learned, NEVER drink with an empty stomach... that concoction that Sam made at Lenny's place totally killed me... well, not really but it did make me tipsy. It wasn't even a lot!

Anyway, after the talk.. I was going to just go buy some rice and maybe some groceries... but as I talked to Samantha, I decided to drop by Julie's place. She looked gorgeous! She was going to the Neptune theater with Mike to watch the Beauty and the Beast play. They were both really nicely dressed. And they matched!! I can't wait to see the pictures that Sam took. We went around campus taking random pictures... it was kinda fun :P.

After that, Sam and I went over to the Chinese grocery to get rice, and some groceries. Holy shit... I swear that bag of rice got heavier as I walked. By the time I got home, I was totally exhausted... so I took a nap. Thought about the day before I finally fell asleep... woke up feeling really uneasy. Sigh.. what can you do, eh? I wish I knew what to do and how I could stop thinking about it... I really don't want to. It's driving me insane. Hmmm... what AM I thinking about? Good question...

See.... I always blog when I'm upset.... not much when I'm happy. What's up with that?



I love this song... Patience by Take That

Waiting to go for coffee.....

ETA: okies.... I don't like this picture that much anymore... errrr.... *contemplates deleting it*


I'm ready, and I'm bored.... I have to wait another 3 hours....

The Greatest Thing About Working In Retail

I found that I have learned one very useful thing from my two years working as a cashier in retail. What is it? It's the ability to temporarily squash away your problems and put forth a happy and pleasant disposition. I learned how to smile with both my lips and my eyes even through really sad times.

I don't know why but I keep a lot of secrets to myself which probably causes some misunderstandings about what I mean when I say certain things... because people don't know why I think or feel a certain way since I never really tell them the whole story just bits and pieces that I find appropriate. I do have my reasons though.

I was looking through pictures of me at the banquet and shake my head at how seemingly happy I look when in actual fact, I wan't at all.

Sometimes, I feel embarassed talking about problems I'm facing to other people... I don't know why. I just can't bring myself to share specific details. I really wish I could talk to someone without holding back anything... I just can't do it! Damn it! I wish someone could read my mind and be able to soothe it painlessly.

Ah well.... that's life, eh? I can still rant aimlessly right? I don't think this helped much at all, though :( sigh.....

SMUDS Banquet and Awards Night

Last Saturday, SMUDS organized a SMUDS banquet and awards night for the voting of the new executives as well as to present awards to the cast and crew of the Twelfth Night production.

The results are:

Executives for year 2007/2008
Chairperson:
Jaymee Goh

Treasurer:
Silke Reutz

Secretary:
Alex Jones

Member-at-large Internal:
Brittany Andersen

Member-at-large External:
Kate Curran

Events Co-Ordinator:
Dayna Coles

Awards
Best Actor:
Shawn McCarthy

Best Dramatist:
Andre Dumont

Most Improved:
Kate Curran

Director's Choice:
Julie Thompson and Kurtis Burke

Unsung Hero:
Jaymee Goh

Outstanding Contribution:
Andre Dumont

Production Crew:
Rayleen Tan

Special Effects:
Lenny Langton

So yea, it was really great to see everyone... well, almost everyone again. Of course, I had to run off at 6.45pm to take an exam which I don't think I did my best in. Oh well.... all I had on my mind was to finish the exam so I can get back to the banquet. After I was done, I rushed myself back to the Loyola Private Dining Hall... and what awaited me was beyond expectations... I walked into a room full of applause and cheers. I have to say that I was really surprised and for a moment I got a bit confused. It did feel really good though... despite making me blush profusely... don't know if it was obvious under my makeup :P. I can't even remember who was it that rushed up to me and told me that I won the Production Crew award. Everything just went by so fast... even before I got my breath back. I feel really touched that people voted for me. It made me really happy on quite a sad night.

Why was I sad? Well, it's a pretty long story and if you have the time go on reading.. if not, skip to the pictures below. It all started with the Twelfth Night play. I met this guy who was one of the actors. My frist impression was that this guy is really serious. After a couple of days, as everyone loosens up and begins to actually call each other by name instead of the character they were playing, it turned out he was pretty funny and really made me laugh. I looked forward to working with him after that. I started to grow fond of him... he was just a really fun friend to have. We would spend the nights while he was waiting for his cue making fun of him and just having fun. On the last night, we had a cast and crew party and this was when that fondness grew as I naively soaked up whatever he said to me that night. I know I have a boyfriend who I've been with for over 5 years and while I really liked this guy, I will never do anything to persue it. While feelings are often uncontrollable, physical actions are. It was a crush.... who doesn't have crushes? It's only human! Yes, I would be guilty of flirting back and all that but since when was that a sin? A little innocent flirting here and there wouldn't hurt anyone. I genuinely enjoyed my time spent with him though it wasn't a lot. I held on to the thought that we could at least still be very good friends; which was what I persued. I'd like to think that it went well for awhile until a day or two before the banquet. I could feel him pulling away and distancing himself from me. Instinctively, I found myself thinking, "was it something I did or said?". I didn't think that I did anything that could possibly make him do this. He would not agree to meet me but made plans with other people. And when I playfully asked if I could come along, he told me that I was getting better at self-invite... which really made me really sad. Was I even considered a friend? What's the difference between me and these other people? Anyway, tried to act like nothing was wrong... he came to the banquet. I smiled at him and he smiled back. I really wanted to give him the usual hugs but felt the need to hold back. I felt really unsure of how I should act around him. Anyway, after the banquet, a few of us who weren't going over to Brittany's sleepover decided to meet at Maxwell's Plum. Some of us went our seperate ways beforehand. Anyway, he and his friend got there first so he called to tell the rest of us that. What irked me though was that he called my friend instead of me. Yes a bit childish but hey... I have my reasons. Anyway, we saw him there... he did acknowlege me and talked to me like old times; which made me really confused. Anyway, he congratulated me on winning the award and before I left, we talked and I asked for a goodbye hug... just like I always do. He obliges... but I said something which I later regret... I said to him, "you haven't been really nice on msn these couple of days". That called for a really awkward situation... so anyway, Alex, Sam, Marek, Andrew and Silke walked me home and he went over to the dome with his friend. The next day, I talked to my friend and she said that I was just thinking too much and that he was just going through a rough time. I thought about what she said and decided that I was just being selfish and not thinking about his situation as well. So I went on just sending him random messages as I usually do. Sending him well wishes ... most of which went unresponded. But it was ok... since he probably needed some alone time. However, today I found out something really shocking. Someone had told him that they think I like him. WTF?! Is this high school? Could this be the reason why he's distancng himself from me? I have learned that telling people these only serve to elevate awkwardness in a friendship. Which is the one thing that I have avoided mentioning to him. I figured that he doesn't have to know. Yes, I like him.. so what? Nothing more is going to happen... I am attached and I love my boyfriend. I flirt and play around with him just like I do any other male cast members... because we all know it is just for fun and nothing more. Perhaps I do give him a little more of my attention because as I said, I was fond of him. I mean another example would be like Alli... she has a boyfriend whom she loves.. but she's chummy with Andre. I believe there's nothing wrong with this as they are probably just really good friends. She could be fond of him too.. but that doesn't really mean anything. Does it? I really wonder who the hell told him that... whoever it is, if you are reading this, I'm very disappointed in you... and if you are my friend, I actually feel really disgusted. I'm sorry but you have no right at all to tell someone else that I have feeling for them. If I wanted to, I could do it myself without your help. Not only did you make it really awkward for me, I might be losing a good friend too. Thanks so much.

Sigh... that's just a compressed version of what is running through my head. I really need to talk to him to clear things up. I really don't want to lose him as a friend. He's a really great guy. Sigh... I don't know...

Anyway, here are the pictures:

Michael's Scavenger Hunt

As mentioned in the previous entry, Silke and I gave Mikey a surprise. We took a pretty long video for it... which I just spent 4 hours of my day editing... Yes, I know, I am an amateur... it's a simple edit.. I wish it could be better but oh well *shrug* as long as it performs it's purpose. Silke was going to upload the videos into her youtube... I believe she still will but currently, she's at Jen's watching Rent... so.... me being the bored person here, I uploaded it so I can blog about it :P It's really funny... at least I think it is. Hope you guys enjoy watching this too!

The pre-show


Let the games begin!!
Part 1


Part 2


Bloopers and Mike's speech :P


Mikey sounds annoyed but I can assure you that he sounds like that 24/7 .. hahahahah ... no I am kidding... He was probably annoyed yet amused at the same time. And we sounded like airheads in the videos -_-|| I hate how I look on video.. and the way I sound.. bleh~! Oh well, it was all for fun ^_^ enjoy!!!

Oh wait.. can't leave you without any pictures now, can I? :P




Camera shy Mikey... LOL


Gosh Mike, what a smile ....